Why is premarital counseling important?
Dr Abdel Azim Elsiddig
Certified Screamfreee Life Coach and Family Educator
Premarital counseling usually falls over the shoulders of the local and national
community leaders as part of their general leadership responsibilities they owe to the
community they lead. I’m glad to know some imams started to take this matter really
seriously that they will not undertake to perform an Islamic marriage ceremony unless
the engaged couple submits to one of a series of premarital counseling sessions.
Imams and community leaders are becoming aware of the high divorce rate in our
Muslim community everywhere. There is a genuine concern in our community today that
those they newly join in marriage have the right understanding besides the basic
general knowledge and skills they need to stay married. Leaders and professionals see
premarital counseling as an important effective tool for getting a young couple off to
their new world of joint responsibility, sharing and caring. When we have the right start
and the determination to move on then and only then joy kicks in to add to the fun of the
life journey.
Elders with successful family life are needed to come together as a team of volunteer
family role models to share their positive experience and equip others who will in turn
teach the younger generations. This is a form of informal counseling that has at its core
the relevant teachings of the Quran and the basic Islamic principles of respect, trust and
appreciation in one’s relationship to others. This is especially important in premarital
sessions. We all need to know positive things first before we apply them in our daily life.
Adulthood or being of a certain family or cultural background is no guarantee of
knowledge and maturity. The couples who intend to form unions must first be instructed
in Islamic standards and basic principles concerning marriage.
Premarital counseling based on the right understanding of Islam outlines the roles of the
husband and wife as they relate to each other and to their prospective children, in-laws
and extended families as well as their entire Muslim community. More importantly,
premarital counseling is considered the most effective way to clear up misconceptions
about marriage, set goals, and distinguish between the true Islam and the outdated
traditions deeply seated in our village culture. It is crucial that the imam or elder doing
the premarital counseling be well educated and equipped in the field, secure in his own
marriage and family relationships to fill in this gap in our community. They should also
have the moral courage to set aside any outdated tradition or custom not supported by
our religion. Villagers find it hard not to give to the norms set and maintained by the
social pressure of their relatives and friends. Muslim kids born and raised in America
have every right to live Islam as is and enjoy every bit of it.
Premarital counseling is also an excellent venue in which to raise issues the couple may
not have thought about such as how they intend to manage finances, how they might
split household chores, how they plan to handle holidays, how to discipline the children,
and the like. The counselor can also guide the couple in identifying what they saw in
their parents’ marriages and what they want to duplicate or not duplicate in their own
marriage.
Solid, faith-based premarital counseling may well set the difference between a couple
who knows how to work through their problems successfully and a couple who struggles
with nothing more than human viewpoints and materialistic worldly standards to guide
them. A prospective bride and groom should commit to premarital counseling in an
effort to model their marriage after the teachings of the Quran and family life style of the
Prophet. There are certain questions young men and women should ask before they get
married. One of these questions is when is the right time for marriage?
In short, the right time for marriage is different for each person and unique to each
situation. Maturity levels and life experiences are varying factors; some people are
ready for marriage at 18, and some are never prepared for it. As the U.S. divorce rate
exceeds 50 percent, it is obvious that much of our society does not view marriage as an
everlasting commitment. However, this is the world's view, which will usually be
corrected through the right and effective interventions. In addition to age, marriage
requires compromise, sacrifice, financial independence, knowledge and skills to handle
conflicts and the ability to forgive then forget and move forward without any buried
anger or bitterness.
A strong foundation is essential for a successful marriage and should be settled before
one even begins to talk a potential life mate. Our commitment to Islam should include
much more than just attending Friday congregation or Sunday school and monthly
gatherings. We must have a personal relationship with God that comes only through
trusting in and obeying His commands. We must educate ourselves about marriage,
seeking God's view on it, before diving in. A person must know what the Quran says
about love, commitment, intimate relations, the role of a husband and wife, and the
expectations of each one before committing to marriage. Having at least one married
couple as a role model is also important. An older couple can answer questions about
what goes into a successful marriage. They can show young potential couples how to
create intimacy, connection and bonding beyond the physical. They also demonstrate
to them how faith is central in family life.
A prospective married couple also needs to make sure that they know each other well.
They should know each other's views on marriage, finances, in-laws, child-rearing,
discipline, duties of a husband and wife, whether only one of them or both will be
working outside the home, and the level of the other person’s spiritual maturity. Many
people get married taking their partner's word for it that they are Muslims, only to find
out later that it was merely lip service. Every couple considering marriage should go
through counseling with an educated and committed family counselor. In fact, imams
should not perform any Islamic wedding ceremony unless they have met a few times
with the potential couple in a private counseling setting.
Marriage is not only a commitment, but a covenant with Allah (4:21). It is the promise to
remain with that other person for the remainder of your life, no matter whether your
spouse is rich, poor, healthy, sick, overweight, underweight, or boring. Married couples
should know how to go through life changes without being negative or judgmental about
one another.
A genuine Islamic marriage should endure through every circumstance, including
fighting, anger, devastation, disaster, depression, bitterness, depression, and
loneliness. Marriage should never be entered into with the idea that divorce is an easy
outlet. Divorce should always be treated as a last resort when every serious attempt to
reconcile has failed. The Quran tells us that through good intentions and determination
reconciliation is possible (4:35). If every couple makes the decision at the beginning to
stay committed and to put God first, divorce will not be the inevitable solution to what
married people see as a miserable situation.
It is important to remember that God wants to give us the desires of our heart, but that is
only possible if our desires match His will. People often get married because it just feels
good or it is fun. In the early stages of courtship, and even of marriage, you see the
other person coming, and you get all kinds of those strange feelings. Romance is at its
peak, and you know the feeling of being in love. Many expect that this feeling will
remain forever. The reality is that it does not. People need to learn the difference
between infatuation and love. The result can be disappointment and even divorce as
those feelings fade out and disappear within the first year of marriage. However, those
in successful marriages know that the excitement of being with the other person does
not have to end. Instead, the infatuation will eventually give way to a deeper lasting
love, a stronger commitment, a more solid foundation, and an unbreakable security.
The Quran is clear that love does not rely on feelings only. Marital love in Islam is a
divine gift that shows in compassion and meeting of minds and hearts. True lasting love
is possible only when we allow God’s word and wisdom to work through our marriage. It
is a decision we make on a daily basis to clear our own systems of any selfishness, ego
or any other unresolved childhood issue. We need to learn how to love in action not just
in words. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, and always perseveres. When we are ready to love another person as
we love ourselves or more we will start to enjoy the peace of mind and joy of heart we
are looking for in marriage.
How will I know when I have found the perfect spouse for me?
The Quran does not address how to find the perfect spouse, nor does it get as specific
as we might like on the matter of finding the right marriage partner. The one thing God's
Word does explicitly tell us is to make sure that we do not marry an unbeliever
(60:10). The Quran further reminds us that, while we are free to marry, we should only
marry those who are good and acceptable to God (24:26). In other words the Quran is
silent about how to know we are marrying the “right” person simply because with the
right positive attitude every committed Muslim can fit into the perfect person category.
So why doesn't God spell out for us what we should look for in a mate? Why do we not
have more specifics about such an important issue? The truth is that the Quran is so
clear on what a Muslim is and how we are to act that specifics are not necessary.
Committed Muslims are supposed to be likeminded about important life issues, and if
two Muslims are committed to their marriage and to obeying Allah, they already possess
the necessary ingredients for marital success. However, because many people in our
society do not take their commitment to Islam seriously, it would be wise to use
discernment before devoting oneself to the lifelong commitment of marriage. Once a
prospective mate’s priorities are identified then the specifics are easier to identify and
work on.
First, we should make sure that we are mentally, physically and financially ready to
marry. We must have enough maturity to look beyond the here and now and be able to
commit ourselves to joining with this one person for the rest of our lives. We must also
recognize that marriage requires sacrifice, compromise and selflessness. Before
marrying, a couple should study the roles and duties of a husband and wife.
A couple should also make sure they know each other for a sufficient amount of time
before discussing marriage. They should watch how the other person reacts to different
situations, how he/she behaves around their family and friends, and what kind of people
they spend time with. A person's behavior is greatly influenced by those we keep
company with (43:67}.They should agree on issues such as independence, finances,
basic family values, children, masjid attendance and community involvement,
relationships with in-laws, education and employment. These are areas of potential
conflict in marriage and should be carefully considered beforehand.
Finally, any couple considering marriage should first go to premarital where they will
learn valuable tools for building their marriage on a foundation of faith and commitment.
They will also learn how to deal with inevitable conflicts. After all these criteria have
been met, the couple is ready to decide if they want to be joined together in marriage. If
we are seriously seeking to please Allah in everything we say or do, He will direct our
paths to the best for every one of us in this life and the hereafter. Let’s do our homework
and put our trust in Allah for successful marital and parental family relations in our local
and global Muslim community.
